Meet and Greet

The press gathers to meet the new coach

Hello. Thank you, and welcome to my introductory press conference.


I have recently accepted a position as the Head Coach of a 3rd/4th grade basketball team at my local community center. As many of you know, this is the culmination of a lifetime's worth of hard work and dedication. Every since I put on my first pair of Air Bombay loafers, I dreamt of a day when I could find a rag-tag group of down on their luck youngsters, teach them the value of teamwork, and take them all the way to the top.


We've only got a few minutes before I have to get back into my special coaching laboratory to begin drawing up plays, but I thought I'd take a few moments and answer some questions.


Coach, you're a relative newcomer to the coaching world. What qualifications do you have that make you think you can handle such a high-pressure situation?

Coach at the height of his powers

Great question. Well, to begin with, my playing history is extensive. I've been a winner at every level as a player - starting with High School rec leagues and moving all the way to Adult rec leagues. I've won 5 Jewish Community Center titles - that's only one short of Michael Jordan.


Secondly, my history as a General Manager is untouched. I led the New York Knicks to 10 consecutive championships in NBA 2K11 on XBox. This shows that I have an uncanny knack for building winners.


And finally, as a coach, I will be able to draw upon an unrivaled knowledge of sports movies. From serious, grown-up films such as Hoosiers and Blue Chips to the lighter, but more age-appropriate films like Cool Runnings, Space Jam, and the Mighty Ducks duology (screw you, MD3), my DVD collection of sports film is unparalleled. My team will be prepared for anything - whether it be alien invaders who have stolen Shawn Bradley's basketball abilities, recruiting violations, or a team of Swiss bobsledders who act like they are better than everyone.


These kids and parents are demanding. It's not enough to win - you have to win with style. What sort of style will you bring to your team?


I won't lie to you - style is for the weak. The only style I believe in is winning. We are going to slow things down and grind it out, just like the late 90's Knicks did. My only coaching philosophy is "No Layups." I guarantee that no team will be as skilled at hand-checking, drawing charges, and running the half-court trap. Any game that doesn't end with the score in the high teens to low twenties is a travesty.


I think we have time for one last question.

Participation: akin to socialism

Coach, we're hearing a lot of buzz in the blogosphere about "participation" being more important than winning. How do you feel about that?


Listen, let's leave all that talk at the door. That's basically socialist propaganda. You know who believed in "participation?" Mao.


Now, does that mean that I won't be playing my entire team? Of course not. I get 5 fouls per player, and I am going to use each and every one of them. If I finish a game with 5 players on the floor, it means I've wasted some perfectly usable fouls. No, everyone on this team is going to play, and play hard. That's the American way.




Thank you so much for your time. I'm looking forward to the season.